Finchel: Back to December
by willowema
Summary: Rachel's feelings on her break-up with Finn and how she plans to win him back over. Finchel angst.


**Title: **Back to December

**Pairing(s): **Finn & Rachel

**Rating: **PG-13

**Word Count: **

**Warnings: **Lots of angst, mild swearing

**Summary: **Rachel's feelings on her break-up with Finn and how she plans to win him back over. Finchel.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Glee, otherwise it wouldn't be nearly as amazing as it is today! I also don't own Taylor Swift and her songs. I mean, owning Taylor Swift would be weird, right?

_Finchel: Back to December_

Chapter 1

Rachel, her eyes wet with the hot tears threatening to spill down her cheeks, gazed out the window at the snow tumbling mindlessly down from the sky. The glass panes were icy to the touch on her fingertips, and it hurt so, so bad, but she still didn't move them. It was nothing compared to the pain, the guilt, that shrouded every aspect of her life right now.

It was all her fault that Finn broke up with her, she realized. He lied to her, yes, but she was the one who cheated. She had pushed away the lingering feeling of guilt nibbling at her soul, and went ahead with her foolish plan.

"Damnit!" She yelled suddenly, banging her fists hard enough against the window to make a small crack in the glass. "And I'm not going to fix that. It's not my problem anymore! Nothing's my problem anymore! I, Rachel Berry, quit!" Truthfully, she knew that she was just throwing a very long and drawn-out tantrum that had been going on for two months.

"But yet…" she whispered wistfully to herself, "it's not a tantrum. It's heartache." A tear began to escape her eye, but she blinked fiercely to keep it from spilling over the edge. To keep _herself_ from going over the edge.

If she were Quinn, she'd be down on her knees praying that Finn would come back to her, begging for forgiveness from what she had done. If she were Santana, she would be in another guy's bed right now, feelings forgotten. But, no, she was Rachel, and Rachel liked to express her feelings through song.

The only thing to do? Rachel grabbed her webcam and her laptop, while fumbling

to find the instrumental version of the song she wanted. "The show must go on, even through my heartbreak," she murmured softly, as if trying to comfort herself.

Hitting the play button while simultaneously starting to record, Rachel began to sing, filling the whole bedroom with her voice.

_"I'm so glad you made time to see me_

_How's life, tell me how's your family_

_I haven't seen them in a while_

_You've been good, busier than ever_

_We small talk, work and the weather_

_Your guard is up and I know why_

_Because the last time you saw me_

_Is still burned in the back of your mind_

_You gave me roses and I left them there to die..."_

A single tear trickled down Rachel's cheek, following her jawline, before falling and being absorbed by her shirt. Her eyes turned even puffier and redder, but Rachel managed to clear her closed-up throat and sing again, her normally clear, strong voice wavering slightly.

_"So this is me swallowing my pride,_

_Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night_

_And I'd go back to December all the time_

_It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you_

_Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine_

_I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright_

_I go back to December all the time_

_These days I haven't been sleeping_

_Staying up playing back myself leaving_

_When your birthday passed and I didn't call_

_And I think about summer, all the beautiful times_

_I watched you laughing from the passenger side and_

_Realized I loved you in the fall_

_And then the cold came,_

_The dark days when fear crept into my mind_

_You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye!"_

Rachel rubbed her eyes on her sleeve, missing the cue by a couple beats while reminiscing about when she and Finn walked through the Christmas tree farm, singing "Last Christmas." He still distrusted her then, but at least he had _agreed_ to it. She just kept pushing and pushing to try to get what wasn't really there in the first place.

_"So this is me swallowing my pride,_

_Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night_

_And I'd go back to December all the time_

_It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you_

_Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine_

_I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind_

_I go back to December all the time_

_I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right_

_And how you held me in your arms that September night,_

_The first time you ever saw me cry_

_Maybe this is wishful thinking_

_Probably mindless dreaming_

_If we loved again I swear I'd love you right_

_I'd go back in time and change it but I can't_

_So if the chain is on your door, I understand_

_But this is me swallowing my pride,_

_Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night_

_And I'd go back to December_

_It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you_

_Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine and_

_I go back to December, turn around and make it alright and_

_I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind and_

_I go back to December all the time..."_

With stifled weeping, Rachel shut off the webcam while her video was being uploaded to her MySpace profile. At this point, she didn't even care if Santana and Sue Sylvester made her angst a number-one hit on YouTube, didn't care if the whole world saw her crying. She just wanted Finn back.

Deep in her heart, when she told Mercedes and Kurt at a sleepover that the three divas were better off single to pursue their dreams, she felt as if not being with Finn was the one thing grounding her to Lima. Brooding over the break-up day and night, Rachel had even skipped her workout session a couple mornings, and had started sleeping in later. Her dads were wondering what was wrong, but she didn't say a word.

She clasped the star necklace that Finn gave her, and whispered silently to herself, just wishing, dreaming.

Rachel sat down on her bed, and, tipping backwards so she could lie down on her back, let out all of her pain into a never-ending, heartrending sob.


End file.
